The №1 Problem of Our Generation
…that seriously threatens our quality of life
I don’t want to restrict “our generation” to an age-group. I have seen the same issue occur in people way older … and the younger ones are influenced by it when they find nothing better to follow. So it applies to everyone.
The problem is people choosing politeness over self-care. It’s a horrible reality, the fact that people resort to self-neglect and compromise in order to behave “acceptably” and to make sure that they conform to whatever rules they believe they are subjected to. I know that people usually have the best intentions. And that is admirable. But it’s not only useless, it is also detrimental, to themselves and to others (usually the closest to them).
Appearances cannot replace reality
Just like an epidemic, this behaviour is ubiquitous. In some places, though, some superficial conventional politeness is a sign of respect and attentiveness. It is very welcomed in such cases, where somebody encourages somebody else when they’re in need, or simply, when you buy something from a shop and the shop keeper talks nice to you.
But that is not what I am referring to here. I am talking about those cases when you need someone to get involved and not just give a polite approval that “what I say is relevant”. I’m not seeking approval, I am usually seeking something else. This type of behaviour only shows that I am not being paid attention to. I truly believe that this is what annoys people the most. Having something important to say, and not even being taken into consideration.
The fact that “being polite” corrupts communication should be a red flag. Communication is easy. It’s the transmitting of ideas. Small talk is easy. It’s listening and expressing one’s opinion about something, usually of not much importance, like a buildings’ aesthetic or some recent news … or even the weather if there’s nothing else to chat about…
It’s about the people
However, the persons in the conversation are extremely important. Their feelings are important, which can easily be hurt if they’re neglected. And their opinions are important, much more important than their feelings. If somebody states something that you strongly disagree with, show them your side of the argument!
Maybe you can help them see something that they overlooked. Or maybe you find something that you overlooked. Like most things in life, the (civilised) discussion is about collaboration and an amicable exchange of ideas and views. You can always agree to disagree, and keep your own opinion. The main thing is to have a discussion, not a battle between ideas. It’s not normal to attempt to force someone to change their opinions and their principles. It’s brutal and primitive.
And it serves no one. Ever.
Even worse, it might instil a sense of insecurity in the other guy. It can be traumatic. Or even just in that moment, someone could feel dragged down and lose their sense of confidence, when the only confidence they did need to lose, was the confidence they had in their friends’ ability to listen respectfully.
Politeness is useless and even insulting if it’s not backed up by respect.
Conversation is done by expressing, not by hiding
It’s hard for me to grasp that some people just try to get by, without making mistakes, or being judged.
Okay, maybe it’s not that hard… I can relate with seeking validation. But the thing is, you should seek validation from people you trust. From people you trust so much that when they contradict what you believe in, you’ll be willing to give their opinion a try. That’s how we improve, by helping one another. There is no person who has been born with all the right knowledge and correct ideas. There is no person who constantly makes the best decisions. And that’s OK, because we can (when possible) lean on each other and go forward, together.
But you can’t be honest if you are walking on eggshells, you can only be overcautious. Conversation, in this case, has no use (and has no place).
If you’re scared of peoples’ unreasonability, great! Talk to people who are more reasonable. If you have done well on your own so far, great! But what will happen when you’ll need some reliable help, a second opinion, basically someone trustworthy?
Your social circle is your responsibility. You’re not meant to make other people feel good. You’re meant to find your place and improve that place …with yourself!
Wounds that are heavy to bear
Having too many reservations leads to inaction, and without actions nothing gets done. Nothing.
And saying two-sided things that are generally true has no purpose and doesn’t bring much value.
Each and every one has their own life experiences. They can use them to learn and grow. Whatever you go through, you see something that is REAL. You can use it as a tip to return to that place of opportunity and joy you just went through. Or to avoid things that you wish to not encounter again.
There are many cases in which people disassociate and live in a fake reality with a fake past just to cover some disappointment that they went through. But the fear is real. And there is nothing worse than living in fear.
In an attempt to avoid those things that stir up fear, we tend to focus on the parts we like, and obscure the ones we don’t. But the gold is usually hidden behind layers of fear and doubt. And people are stronger and smarter than they give themselves credit for. It would surprise anyone how much they can achieve when he/she is focused and puts in the necessary work. It’s never easy, life is complicated. And it gets even more complicated each day.
We fool ourselves if we think that we are taking “the easy way”. It is disempowering …as if we weren’t capable to do the right thing…
But if we let these things drag us back, we can’t advance further. Confronting one’s demons is a natural part of life. We build walls around us to protect ourselves and when the danger passes, those same walls we’ll need to demolish to free ourselves.
Work with what you’ve got, from where you are
Life gets harsh sometimes, and it makes us rough, living with our guard up. But we can do better than that. We need to anchor ourselves and our sense of self in something more important than petty arguments that lead nowhere.
The most important thing is to take care of ourselves. When we fail at it, we suffer. When we do well, we feel good. It’s intuitive. Just align in the right direction, set yourself some objectives, and power through! Life becomes very easy when you do things that are meaningful. It doesn’t last permanently. But the choice to realign is always in your power!
A lot of individuals get stuck in the “deserving” or “fairness” paradigm. Life is not fair and you don’t get what you deserve. But you are also not limited by these concepts. Do better! Do what feels right! Take advantage and profit from your skills and abilities, but never abuse other people! If you become your ideal type of person, you might be able to surround yourself with others just like you!
Your Policy
Remember that politeness is meant to be a way to show your respect and to remind people that you care! It is in no way meant to be shallow or fake. People can see that. Everyone can, just as easily as you can see it in others. So be brave and be yourself. You are enough, don’t undervalue yourself!
Your policy (i.e. your set of principles) is important and will dictate your life. If you compromise it you compromise yourself. So please don’t do that. Do what you believe is right. Would you prefer to get by in a place you don’t like, or would you rather seek and find a place to thrive in?
